The “crap” journal

For the past few months, I’ve been waging my own private war against resistance, getting up early to spend some time each day writing.  This time has become sacred to me, for may different reasons, but I’m sorry to say that not much actual writing has gotten done.  Instead, I literally spend hours sitting in front of the keyboard, waiting for inspiration to strike.

Lately, I’ve realized that part of my problem is a fear of failure and vulnerability, interestingly enough, even towards myself.  I recognize that no one else is necessarily going to be reading what I write, but even so, I just haven’t been able to get over this idea that what I write has to be great in order to make it from my mind to the page (insecurity dwells deep in me.)  So I recently decided to take measures to alleviate this problem and bought a new journal.  Not just any journal, but specifically a sketch pad just like the one I had during my freshman year in high school when I attended LaGuardia, a school of the arts, and carried one just like it everywhere (literally, everywhere) I went.

So I bought the new journal/sketch pad and gave myself one rule: WRITE.  Write EVERYTHING.  Whatever comes to mind, whatever I’m thinking, whatever I’m experiencing, whatever interesting (or uninteresting) thing that happens to touch my heart: write it down.  I write anything and everything in this journal with only one exception: if I’m writing/painting/drawing something I think is (or could be) GOOD, it goes somewhere else.  This journal isn’t for the good stuff… it’s (mostly) for the crap.  The random thoughts, the doodles, the experiments with new art mediums, it (almost) all goes in the book.

I feel as if I’ve joined up with a long-lost friend.  When I attended LaGuardia, I spent hours skipping class (or zoning out during class) and hanging out in various parks all over New York City, doodling and writing in a sketch pad exactly like this one.  I have no idea what on earth I had to write about for so many hours (those journals have long since been gone) but isn’t that the point?  I may not have anything at all to write about, but…

I’m writing.

 

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Emerging Victorious

Years ago, I got caught up in the doctrine of “do not handle, do not taste, do not touch” (which Paul warns against in Colossians 2:21 and I wrote more about HERE.)  Several things have contributed to my slow emergence from this bondage and one, in particular, is a book called Dance of the Dissonant Daughter by Sue Monk Kidd. In this book, Kidd references the myth of Theseus (and, more importantly, Ariadne) and the Minotaur, making parallels between this myth and the system of patriarchy within our culture and the Christian church. She speaks of the minotaur at the center of the labyrinth as the “inner critic,” the “bullish, bullying, bulldozing force of patriarchy internalized in the cellar of a woman’s psyche.” Although I don’t agree with everything she has to say, I could relate to this metaphor of the minotaur as an inner critic.

Since then, the maze of the minotaur has become symbolic to me, a representation of my determination to overcome the inner critic, to break free from the sometimes overwhelming urge to ask permission and explain myself, and the often paralyzing desire to meet the expectations of others, especially men and members of the church.

This commitment to escaping the maze (so to speak) has led me to openly embrace concepts and practices I was taught in my youth to avoid. Elements of eastern meditation, Native American spirituality, Christian mysticism, and ayurveda, to name a few. The results of this have been interesting, to say the least. I feel I’m communicating with God (specifically Holy Spirit) on a level I never have before – or rather she is communicating with me in a way she never has before (most likely because my self-imposed rules have prevented me from hearing.) Through these communications, she has made it abundantly clear that she loves me, that she wants the best for me (and – what’s more – she’ll help me to obtain it,) and that she’s a friend.

A friend with an awesome sense of humor.

Not long ago, I went out to lunch at a Chinese restaurant with my oldest daughter. At the end of our meal, I cracked open my cookie to read a fortune for the first time in over 15 years – something I haven’t done since learning from a christian author that reading fortunes from cookies was sinful (no, I’m not joking and yes, I really believed that, which is embarrassing to admit.) This is what it said:

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Posted in Criticism, Faith, Femininity and Womanhood, Perfectionism, Salvation | Leave a comment

Help for the refugees

I have some troubling news to share, regarding the Refugee Center in Bowling Green, KY.  I recently received a letter from the Albert Mbanfu, the Executive Director of the Refugee Center in Bowling Green, informing me that the executive action taken by Donald Trump to stop refugees from coming into the United States also suspends funding for the refugees who are already here and being assisted by the efforts of employees and volunteers at the refugee center.  These funding cuts affect transportation available to and from from job interviews, acculturation classes and medical facilities for health care.  It also affects the center’s ability to pay for caregivers who take care of children so that parents can attend these important classes, as well as translators who help them navigate doctor visits, grocery shopping, school enrollments and day to day survival.

The center is asking for help in caring for these people who so desperately need it.  Please, if you can help, consider placing a donation at the link below:

http://icofky.org/donate

Additionally, if you’d like information about volunteering your time, please email or call Kelly Rice, the Employment Program Manager, at kellyrice[at]wkrmaa[dot]org or call the International Center at 270.781.8336.

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Move Closer, Stay Longer

I recently read a book by Dr. Stephanie Burns called Move Closer, Stay Longer. According to her biography, Stephanie Burns has devoted her life to understanding the adult learning process and helping people reach their goals. In her book Move Closer, Stay Longer she writes on the subject of fear, specifically the fear of riding (are you sensing a theme here, lately?) and how to overcome it. The first thing I appreciated about this book is that it breaks fear down into an understandable emotion. There are things I’m afraid to do with Asterion that I simply shouldn’t be doing right now. Riding near traffic, for instance. It would be the height of stupidity for me to jump on him tomorrow and ride down our very busy road, hoping for the best. In that sense, fear is doing its job: working to keep me from injury. I’m beginning to believe that fear itself is not a problem (it’s just a feeling, remember?) The problem comes in when we decide to camp out around fear and never take the steps necessary to overcome it, especially in regards to those things that are important to us. Which leads me to the second thing I appreciated about this book: Burns gives a systematic approach for how to overcome fear in a way that’s logical and simple to achieve (“simple,” but not necessarily easy.)

Have you ever heard of the “learning circle?” It looks like this:

The basic principle of the learning circle is that there are three learning zones and as we develop new skills things move from one zone to another. Things we already know how to do and don’t need to think about (simple addition, for instance) are located in the “comfort zone.” In the “learning zone” we’ll find the things we don’t yet know that stretch our capabilities but are possible with hard work and practice. The outer circle, the “panic zone,” is the area in which things move our capabilities past stretching and into panic. They’re the things that are not (yet) possible for us to learn. For the second grader, calculus is firmly in the “panic” zone but can move into the “learning zone” after just a few years of education. You could also apply this to exercise. Taking a walk might be in the comfort zone and going for a jog might enter the learning zone but running the Boston Marathon is situated firmly inside the “panic” zone. It’s just not possible. Yet.

Because the great thing about the learning circle is that the things we do can cross categories. The student learning multiplication eventually “gets it” and multiplication enters the comfort zone as they begin working on something new located in the learning zone, which before would have been firmly within the panic zone. The trick is taking the steps necessary (and figuring out what those are) to move things from one zone into another.

Dr. Burns says that fear works the same way. Rather than circles, she encourages people to make three lists: Things we can do without fear, things we can do with SOME fear, and things we can’t do because we’re too afraid (I prefer to think of these as things we “won’t” do because we’re too afraid.) In regards to riding, here’s what my list looked like:

Right away, I saw that there were things I could easily move from the “some fear” to “no fear” column with practice, like trotting and riding without a bridle. Maybe I can’t yet trot Asterion all over the field, but I can certainly trot him for a few seconds today and a few more tomorrow, working until trotting becomes second nature and I simply don’t think about it anymore. I can “move closer” to my goal, and “stay there longer.” But what about the others? Many of the things on that list are there for a very good reason. For instance, Asterion gets very antsy and skittish when it’s raining or windy and the last time we tried crossing the creek he panicked and I ended up on the ground.  He also won’t allow me to touch his sheath (can you really blame him?) and given that he weighs a good 1,000 pounds more than I do, he wins.  So how do I move things from one column to another if the problem can’t be solved without the cooperation of a 1200 pound flight animal? Again, the principle of “move closer, stay longer” comes in. Can I clean Asterion’s sheath tomorrow? Absolutely not. But what I can do is start getting him used to being touched near there and continue this each day until he no longer shows irritation. At that point, I can move closer and repeat the process. It strikes me as interesting that the way I would help my horse overcome his fear is the same way Burns recommends teaching myself to overcome my fear:

Move closer to the thing I’m afraid of, and stay there longer.

Posted in Anxiety, Fear, PERSONAL | Leave a comment

Do not worry about tomorrow…

A few months ago, I heard an interview with Jonathan Fields in which he said the following:

Fear is an anticipatory emotion. Once you’re in the moment and you have the ability to actually respond to what’s in front of you, fear becomes nearly impossible to sustain.”

This is such a simple yet profound statement. Fear is an anticipatory emotion. In other words, it’s virtually impossible to feel fear except in reference to what we think will or might happen at some future time.  The day I listened to this interview, I was sitting outside on a lovely fall evening and I found myself wondering: how many beautiful, otherwise wonderful days have I ruined by worrying about what might happen?  How often, rather than dealing with a problem the one time when it’s actually happening, have I made myself miserable for hours and days and even weeks beforehand, ruminating over a problem that’s yet to be?  How often have I spent my time miserably trying to figure out how to keep from feeling future pain, while inflicting actual pain on myself with thoughts of fear regarding the future?  Interestingly, my worry has yet to result in a problem-free existence and when the things I fear actually do come to pass they’re rarely as bad as what I anticipated them to be.  It seems there is a power that comes during a crisis that’s impossible to receive before a crisis because, as Fields mentioned, it’s only then that we have the ability to respond to what’s actually happening.  How much self-inflicted misery could I avoid, if I simply dealt with life as it is, rather than worrying about what it might be?

“Worry is a misuse of the imagination”
– Dan Zadra

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Feeling Fear

 

   Bad things happen and problems arise and it seems to me that dealing with the situation as it comes…  Considering that fear and worry doesn’t actually keep anything bad from happening, it seems to me it would be best to live fully each day and follow the advice of Jesus: allow tomorrow to take care of itself. 

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Feeling Fear

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A few days ago, a friend recommended a book called The War of Art, by Steven Pressfield.  The book is essentially about overcoming the force which always seems to keep us from doing our work, living our dream or fulfilling our calling.  The author personifies this force, calling it “resistance,” and something about the idea of fighting a malevolent being working to keep me from living my life to its fullest potential really resonated with me.  Within the book were two quotes I especially loved:

“The amateur believes he must first overcome his fear, then he can do his work. The professional knows that fear can never be overcome. He knows there’s no such thing as a fearless warrior or a dread-free artist. What Henry Fonda does, after puking into the toilet in his dressing room, is to clean up and march out onstage. He’s still terrified but he forces himself forward in spite of his terror. He knows that once he gets out into the action, his fear will recede and he’ll be okay.”

“The more scared we are of a work or calling, the more sure we can be that we have to do it.”

About two weeks ago, I had a nasty fall when I tried to cross my horse, Asterion, over a small creek of running water.  He was nervous but willing, and I think all would have been fine had we simply crossed over.  But just as we crossed and started up the other side, he stepped on a branch which broke and wrapped itself around his foot.  Understandably, this was just too much for him.  I don’t know exactly what happened after that, but I heard him scream and the next thing I knew I was in the air and then breathless on the ground.  It was one of the most terrifying experiences of my life and since that day I haven’t had the confidence to ride him at anything faster than a walk, and even then I’ve spent the entirety of each ride in fear.  After reading The War of Art and realizing how important it was that I do the thing I was most scared of, I remembered something else I’d read in a book recently: “Fear is just a feeling.”

Just a feeling.

Like pain, fear is just something that exists in the universe, something I can learn to simply experience, rather than fight or avoid.  So today I made the decision to ride – and trot* – my horse.

When I put his halter on, my hands were shaking.
When I picked his feet, my hands were shaking.
When I saddled him up, my hands were shaking.

I kept reminding myself to pay attention to my feelings.  I knew I couldn’t talk myself OUT of being afraid (I’d been trying!), but I could allow myself to simply experience being afraid.

Funny thing is, as soon as I got on him, the fear vanished completely.  It just didn’t exist anymore.  It was the very first time I’d experienced a fear-free ride since my fall.  We trotted around the field several times and at no point was I at all nervous or afraid.

It was wonderful.

“Are you paralyzed with fear? That’s a good sign. Fear is good. Like self-doubt, fear is an indicator. Fear tells us what we have to do.”
– Steven Pressfield, the War of Art

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*It sounds silly, when I say it, that I’ve been so afraid to trot him.  But many years ago I was trotting a horse who decided she wanted to go faster and broke into a full gallop across a field and I wasn’t able to stop her.  I didn’t fall, but since then I’ve always had that lingering fear when riding in an open area.  I had trotted and cantered Asterion several times in the past, but the fall had shaken any scrap of confidence I’d gained.  Until now.

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Posted in Daybook, Fear, PERSONAL, Victory Journal | 3 Comments

Kaitlin

It’s hard to believe this beautiful girl will be graduating this year and then off to college and the beginning of a new adventure!  I always love photographing seniors, and Kaitlin is especially wonderful to work with.  Her sweet spirit and love for her family shows through in everything she does and it’s always a blessing to see.  Thank you, Kaitlin, for choosing me as your senior photographer!  I’m glad we were able to get some special photographs in a unique location!

Posted in - PHOTOGRAPHY -, Portfolio, Teens/Seniors | Leave a comment