Gaining Jesus

If you’ve been reading this blog recently, you know that God has made it clear to me in the past few weeks that I don’t know who Jesus is. I’ve been praying that Jesus’ love and His sacrifice become more real to me.  That prayer is beginning to be answered.  Some things have gone on in the last couple of days that have placed a mirror in front of me to show me who I really am.  God is exposing sins inside of me that I didn’t know were there – or, perhaps more accurately, I sensed but didn’t acknowledge.  God has revealed my sins to me before, but my response has always been to run to fix myself as soon as possible, because if I didn’t “fix it,” I felt unlovable to God.  If God, me, and the mirror he places in front of me were a triangle, and the mirror is at the top, I’m at the left and God at the right, my response to sin has always been to turn to the left and RUN.  Run until I had “fixed myself” and given up the sin as best I could, and then I could creep back to my original place and stand beside – but at a distance from – God.  Right now, God is revealing some things to me that are breaking my heart. I’m not trying to change anything.  I’m just HURTING.  And I’m running to him and crying.  I’m hurting in a way that I never have before, burying my head in Jesus’ lap and crying some more.  I don’t even want to try to “fix myself” right now.  I just want to sit in the arms of Jesus and cry, and hurt, and cry some more.
I told a friend once that I was looking forward to having a relationship with Jesus in which He was able to love and comfort me in a way that my friend has.  I was looking forward to having a relationship with Jesus that enabled me to look to Him for comfort and support when I needed it.
That prayer is being answered.
It hurts.  I’m thankful.

 

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