I won’t even pretend like it’s some admirable reason like “I want to be healthy” or “I want to be able to run and play with my kids.” I want to lose the weight because I’m tired of feeling like I’m worthless. I’m tired of feeling like I’m not worthy of being loved or accepted or valued because I’m overweight.
It’s hard for me to express in words, because I have amazing friends and family who love me and support me. But in the back of my mind, I always feel that they love me in spite of my weight problems, and not regardless of. It’s not because of anything they’ve done or said, it’s because of how I view myself. I feel that my weight is a giant cloud hanging over my head that screams “I’m worthless” to everyone I meet. I’m tired of feeling worthless.
It’s so hard for me to be free, it’s so hard for me to let go and be myself – even around many of my friends. I’m so much more open over the phone than I am in person because I carry self-consciousness around with me like an overcoat. I laugh with my mouth covered because I feel like my face looks fat when I smile. I like to sit with pillows and blankets (or babies) across my lap because I feel like they shield me. I hate to walk across a room, or turn my back to someone, because I hate to feel like people are looking at me. I don’t like to go shopping, or go to the library, or walk through the park. I’m so tired of hiding.
Starting a photography business was one of the most difficult things I’ve ever done. Until then, I rarely left the house unless I had to, rarely interacted with anyone unless it was via phone or internet. I was happy to have a blog as long as I didn’t have to post a picture, happy to interact on facebook as long as people still remembered me the way I was in high school. But when I started getting out there and meeting new people, it was excruciating. I’ll never, ever forget the first time I did a photo shoot with an old friend from high school… I was so afraid for her to see me… to see “what I’d become.” I even called her on the phone before our session to tell her that I’d gained weight because I was so afraid of the shock I’d see on her face if I didn’t say something. I’m tired of feeling like I have to apologize for myself. I’m tired of feeling embarrassed.
I’m tired of being surprised when people are kind to me, because I feel like I don’t deserve kindness. I’m tired of being surprised when people want to be my friend because I feel like I have nothing to offer. I’m tired of feeling my weight as a huge “yea… but” to every good thing I do, every accomplishment I achieve. I’m tired of feeling that God couldn’t possibly use me to minister to someone else, because I haven’t conquered this demon. I’m tired of feeling surprised when He does use me to minister to others.
I’m tired of feeling worthless. I’m tired of feeling like a failure. I’m tired of feeling unlovable. I’m tired of feeling ashamed.
That’s why I want to lose weight.
Category: Weight Loss