Sometimes, I use my blog as a way to express my feelings, when I can’t express them in spoken words. Sometimes, I use it as a way to communicate to someone, without having to address them directly, pouring my heart out to an ambiguous audience, instead of an actual person. In that way, it’s somewhat cowardly, perhaps, but it is helpful for me in getting my thoughts together and expressing them more fully. Today I write with the knowledge that when I’m done I’ll send this to the person I’m pouring my heart over. I write both as an apology and as a message of hope. For God is all about fixing what we in our ignorance screw up, and the cry of my heart right now is that He will restore and strengthen what I have torn down.
This weekend, I did a horribly stupid thing. I hurt something that was extremely important to someone I love and there is absolutely nothing that I can do to fix it. I have apologized, but the words “I’m sorry” are flat and lack the power to mend. It’s beyond my power to fix this. And I’m not afraid of not being forgiven, or my friend holding a grudge against me. I’m not hurting because he’s angry. I’m hurting because I have harmed something that is very personal and very special to one of the people I love most. It’s a horrible, horrible feeling to know that I have taken something that is so important to someone else and desecrated it. I can only imagine how that must feel. I can only imagine the hurt I’ve caused. I am sick and miserable over what I’ve done.
And yet, in the midst of my tears, God has gently reminded me of who He is. He is the redeemer, called so many times throughout the bible. The word “redeem” means “to compensate, or make amends for.” Another word for “compensate” is “requite” which is literally defined as: “to return something lost or stolen, usually through the fault of another.” God has put Himself in charge of making amends for our mistakes when we cannot make them ourselves. God has made Himself personally responsible for returning and restoring what has been lost or stolen (or ruined) – even when it’s our own fault. I’m holding tight to Romans 8:28 (“all things work together for good…”) right now, and trusting God to use this situation to bring peace and joy and blessing to my friend. I’m asking Him to restore what I have ruined, and make it an absolute (and unexpected) blessing.
I am SO UTTERLY THANKFUL that I have a God who gives “beauty for ashes” and promises to work ALL things together for good. I’m so blessed to know that He is a redeemer of situations that I can’t redeem myself. I am so thankful to have Someone to go to with the hurt I am feeling right now, and the hurt I have caused someone else by my own hands. I am so thankful to know that He can – and will – fix the things that I can’t.
I’m hurting, but not without hope. I am full of remorse and regret, but not despair. “Where sin abounds, grace abounds much more” (Romans 5:20.) I am asking Him to use this situation to bless my friend and I believe that He will.
I am thankful to be loved despite my stupidity, and thankful for a God who takes my mistakes into His own, loving hands. I am praying for my friend, and am thankful that God has given me the faith to know that He will respond.
“For love covers a multitude of sins” (1 Peter 4:8)
I am sorry, my friend. I am so very sorry.
*Just after I wrote this, and just before I published it, my friend called to tell me he loves me and is not angry with me. I am am SO THANKFUL for that phone call, and publish this in gratitude to God and what He has taught me through this. I am thankful, for so many things right now, not the least of which are the wonderful (and forgiving!) friends in my life.