When we are faithless, He is faithful…

*UPDATE: Mini Pearl does not have CL, either!!!*

The vet just called with the results on Mocha and she did NOT die of CL.  She died of a disease (Rhodococcus equi) that normally affects immunocompromised (sp?) foals and our vet has never even heard of it affecting a goat before now.  As far as I can understand from research I’ve done, it’s nothing we can treat or prevent, it’s more of an opportunistic disease and we really don’t expect to have problems with it in the future.

Today has been an absolute roller coaster.  I spent this morning crying over our goats… wondering what to do and how to handle the disease I thought they had.  Then I got the phone call from our vet and spent the better part of the last hour crying for different reasons.  My faithlessness.  His faithfulness.  The overwhelming sense of who He is.  Even as I prayed over the last week, I didn’t believe. Even as I held in one hand the fact that God has proven He is intimately involved in this venture, I held fear in the other hand.

I pray that I’ve gained even a small amount of faith through this experience.  I pray that I’ll trust Him just a little bit more, next time.  For that matter, I pray I’ll trust Him just a little more this time, as we’re still waiting on the results of Mini Pearl’s culture and I would be lying if I said I didn’t still have the slightest bit of doubt over the results.

I can say this, though… I feel different.  It isn’t something I can explain, except to say that I feel God’s intimate involvement in the world around me.  This world I live in – He’s intimately involved  in every speck of dirt, every leaf on every tree, every goat, sheep, cow and chicken in our field.  Of the play that is my life, He’s the director, conductor, and choreographer… if I’ll let Him be.

If we are faithless, he remains faithful, for he cannot disown himself.

– 2 Timothy 2:13


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