What I Want

I went digging through some old articles tonight and came across this one, from the blog Kisses from Katie, written by a woman who left her home in Tennessee when she was just 18 years old to travel to Uganda.  Two years later, at the age of 20, she was back in Uganda and became the mother of three orphaned girls.  Over the next few years, she started a child sponsorship program, a feeding program and a self-sustaining vocational program in Uganda and is now a mother of thirteen orphaned girls.

In 2007, back when she was just starting her journey down this road, she wrote the following:

someone asked me the other day, “really? is it really as great as you make it sound? i could never do that! are you really happy?” for all of you who wonder, this is my response.

you know what i want sometimes? to go to the mall and spend a ridiculous amount of money on a cute new pair of shoes. i want to sit on my kitchen counter chatting with my girlfriends and eat a whole carton of cookie dough ice cream. i want to watch grey’s anatomy, or any tv for that matter. i want to cuddle with my sweet boyfriend. i want to hop in my cute car, go to the grocery store, and pick up any kind of produce i want. i want to wake up in a house with my loving family, not all by myself. i want to go to blockbuster and pick out a movie to watch with my little brother and his friends and i want to cook for them at midnight. i want to spend mindless hours with my best friends talking about boys and fashion and school and life. i want to go to the gym. i want my hair to look nice. i want to wear cut off jean shorts. i want to be a normal teenager living in america. i do.

but. you know what i want more? ALL the time? i want to be spiritually and emotionally filled every day of my life. i want to be loved and cuddled by 100 children and never go a day without laughing. i want to wake up to a rooster, my two africa dogs, and a splendid view of the nile river. i want to be challenged endlessly; i want to be learning and growing every minute. i want to be taught by those i teach. i want to share God’s love with people who otherwise might not know it. i want to work so hard that i end every day filthy and too tired to move. i want to feel needed, important, used by the Lord. i want to make a difference and i want to follow the calling that God has planted deep in my heart. i want to give my life away, to serve the Lord with each breath, each second. i want to be here. right here.

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I wish that I could say that I share Katie’s passion, but the truth is that the majority of the time, I’d rather be watching TV (or, as is more often the case, reading a book.)  That is, I’m sure, grist for another blog post but for now I’m humbled by the knowledge that although He has revealed Himself to me in countless ways, I still don’t know my Savior the way I want to know Him.

But I want to.  And for that little bit of self-awareness that tells me I’m not where I want to be, I am thankful.

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