Tonight I’m feeling pretty defeated. After three days of getting up on her own, Lucy had to be picked up again this morning (this is three weeks now… my neighbor deserves a medal,) and tonight we found our other baby goat, Claret, laying on the ground, crying and having whole-body spasms. We have NO idea what is wrong with her.
It’s funny, because in the past few days I’ve started really praying about some things regarding our little farm – most specifically, I’ve been praying about land. This afternoon, I felt that I should begin writing down the things we feel like we’re supposed to be doing and things we need to prepare for, so that I could pray in a more meaningful way. It was in the midst of this that Bunchkin came running inside with Claret. After treating her as best I knew how, and making her comfortable (she’s sleeping with Bitty tonight,) I thought of how ironic it was that just as I was thinking through the things we’d like to do in the future, we find ourselves smack in the middle of another crisis. It seemed to me as if I heard God say “is this really what you want?” and I answered peevishly “NO! I’ll just grow seven thousand tomato plants, I don’t want to raise animals!” I feel like I know NOTHING about what I’m doing, and every time I think I’ve gained a bit of knowledge, I’m reminded once again of how very little I understand. We’ve been doing this for less than a year and in that time we’ve lost three sheep and three goats, had three other goats come down with mystery illnesses, and now have had some sort of paralysis going on with our cow and seizures in our baby goat (after having lost her sister only a few weeks ago!) Is this normal???!!! What am I doing wrong?!
So God, to answer your question… Do I want to keep doing this? A hundred times, no. Do I want to allow You to do this through me? Emphatically yes.
And that’s what it all boils down to, in the end. I don’t know what I’m doing. But He does, and if this is His will, he’ll guide me in it. And maybe going through the fire and learning the hard way is all part of it. I can imagine plenty of circumstances where the harder things are, the better and faster I’ll learn and the more prepared I’ll be for whatever it is God has in store for us.
One thing I’m certain of. We’re doing exactly what we’re supposed to be doing, and there is a huge comfort in that.
Many are the afflictions of the righteous, but the LORD delivers him out of them all.
– Psalm 34:19