Today I want to delete my blog. Press a button, make the whole thing disappear and just start over. I’ve been reading through the archives of Glennon Doyle Melton’s blog, Momastery, for days and I’m ready to set fire to my computer.
That blog, and a hundred other little things that God is showing me lately, has caused me to see things in ways I’ve never seen them before. Ways I can’t even begin to describe except to say:
I. have. been. soooooooo. judgemental.
I’m all about telling other people how to live their lives… Oh, I don’t come right out and say it, but I often do it through what I say and what I write, and that may be even worse. I have little tolerance for Christians who don’t Christian the way I do and I often write in an effort to prove my side of things, explain why my way is a better way. That is a painful thing to have to say. It’s a painful thing to see about myself.
I have no idea what this space will look like, going forward. I only know it’s not going to look the same way it has. Oh, I’m sure I’ll still get judge-y now and then… if there’s anything I’m learning it’s that none of us are perfect, and that is a beautiful thing. I’m going to start to pray before I type (what a concept!) and let this space become whatever God wants it to become, in humility and above-all grace.
In the meantime, I want to say “I’m sorry.” I’m sorry to those who have read something here and come away feeling judged. I’m sorry to those who have stopped reading here because of my attitude. I humbly ask forgiveness from you all. I look forward to seeing what God will do with this little corner of the internet as we move forward together in humility and – above all – love.
“Oh God of Forever Tries: Here I am Again.”
*After writing this, a friend and I had the following discussion:
Friend: Hmmm. Wonder what that says about me cuz I always like your blogs. I think it’s okay/right to express your opinion/point of view. Even debate a topic you’re passionate about all within the confines of love and respect. In judging, are you casting the other party to eternal judgment or just identifying points of error? God has created us with intellect to discern right and wrong, good and bad, pure and evil. Somethings, maybe most things, are not salvation issues. So don’t waste energy on them. But somethings are worth standing for, and we are called to stand, without shame or apology. So shine on Rina!
Me: It’s a difficult thing to explain… I think in this case, it comes down to where my heart is. So often, I’ll see something on facebook, or out in the world, or hear someone say something and the judge-y part of me gets all fired up and says “this is crazy!” and it’s from that place of judgement that I write. Not always, or even most of the time, but it does happen and that is not okay. If God moves on me to write about something controversial, fine. I’m sure He probably will, in fact. But being spirit-led to write something in love is different than being Rina-led to write in an effort to “fix” people.