I am going to church, because I am judgmental and self-centered

030 church

A friend of mine invited me to attend church this weekend and as he was telling me all the reasons he wanted me to go, I was thinking of all the reasons I would rather get every one of my teeth pulled out while receiving a colonoscopy during a Rocky movie marathon.

Chief among the reasons I have no desire to attend church is that I’m very self-conscious (we could say self-centered) and uncomfortable around people I don’t know.  I spend inordinate amounts of time worrying about what people will think of me and I tell lies.  I am also judgmental, critical and easily irritated.  I don’t “do” public worship and public prayer makes me squirm.  There is no place in the world I’d rather be less than church and there is no place where these particular vices could possibly thrive more.

Which is exactly why I’m going to attend church for the first time in many, many years this week.  I’ve got stuff that God needs to kill and I’m determined to give Him as many opportunities as possible to get the job done.  I may refuse to sing.  I may sit while everyone else stands.  I definitely will not pray out loud.  In fact, I’m seriously (not really, see vice #1) considering wearing a paper bag over my head with the words “Leave me alone” emblazoned across the front.  But I’m going.

I can’t think of a better place for someone broken to be.

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6 Responses to I am going to church, because I am judgmental and self-centered

  1. In the bible, the word “church” refers to people, not a place. My “church” meets in a private home and we have two knowledgeable leaders (“pastors”). We sing a few songs and have a short prayer time for if anyone feels the need to bring up a praise or request. Most of our meeting time is spent learning from the bible – I’ve learned more about the bible in the past 6 years than I did my whole life growing up. It’s been amazing! :) Our tithing is personal – we choose where to send our money for missions, etc. After the meeting, we have a potluck each week to relax, visit, and eat.
    I grew up in a charismatic type church that I was definitely uncomfortable in. I encourage you to maybe re-think your definition of church, and ask around a bit. Maybe you can find a setting you feel comfortable attending.

    • Rina says:

      Spirited Rose Diary, I completely agree… we used to have a “home church” but haven’t met together in a very long time. I’m not looking to join a church, I’m not even looking to attend regularly. I just recognized, as my friend was talking about church, that the very reasons I don’t want to go are the very reasons I OUGHT to go. If nothing else, I’ll get to practice not worrying about what other people think and not being judgmental! :)

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