For many weeks now, my husband has been getting paid double time for working days he’s not ordinarily scheduled to work. Because of this, combined with my job at Amazon, we’ve completely paid off one of our credit cards and are quickly chipping away at the other. For the first time in our entire marriage – 15 years – we’ve actually been able to buy things when we need them and words really can’t describe what that has felt like. But yesterday, Jon came home from work early because they didn’t need him and he was informed that they’ll no longer be paying double time for extra shifts. Despite myself, dread was the first emotion I felt when I found out. The funny thing is that between my job and a few other recent financial changes, we’re still going to be able to pay off that credit card by the end of the year, and we’ll still have some wiggle room to purchase needed household/farm things. But I tend to be one of those people who, if I don’t guard against it, is always waiting for the other shoe to drop. If I purchase something new, I immediately start to wonder when it will stop working or get broken or need to be replaced. This goes directly against my faith (and experience!) that God will always – always! – take care of our needs, but it’s something that lurks deep down inside of me, all the same.
So yesterday, I walked around all day with this sick feeling in the pit of my stomach, originating from subconscious thoughts that, if I’d stopped to identify them, went something like this: “This is it! The financial blessings are over! We’re never going to have enough money eeeevvveeerrrr aaaaagain!!!!”
(I tend to be a wee bit dramatic, even subconsciously.)
Today, Jon found out that we have some money we didn’t have any idea about coming our way. I don’t know how much it is and it doesn’t matter in the slightest. Because in that moment, God reminded me once again of His love and provision and forever faithfulness. I don’t deserve it. I don’t even deserve to be reminded of it, as faithless as I am deep down. But He does, and He did, and I’m thankful.