Rocking Who I’ve Fought to Become

“The impulse to keep to yourself what you have learned is not only shameful, it is destructive. Anything you do not give freely and abundantly becomes lost to you. You open your safe and find ashes. You are going to feel like hell if you never write the stuff that is tugging on the sleeves in your heart — your stories, visions, memories, songs: your truth, your version of things, in your voice. That is really all you have to offer us, and it’s why you were born.”

–Anne Lamott

“With age comes inner strength and the power of not giving a shit what others think.
Today I am rocking who I’ve fought to become.”

—Unknown

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At various times in my life, I’ve realized I am a liar, a hypocrite, judgmental, self centered, and in desperate need of forgiveness. I’ve confessed many of these things publicly over the ten years I’ve been blogging, because I have also realized this forum is an extremely effective tool in my fight to become a better person. Part of my understanding of what that means includes honesty and transparency, and, through writing, I have experienced first-hand what physiologists are only beginning to understand: the process of gaining insight into our experiences and sharing those experiences is a critical step in emotional and physiological growth. I am a better person because of the things I’ve shared, and I believe that by sharing my own struggles, I can help others through theirs.

Yet, lately, it seems the biggest struggle I face is the fear of what others might think of what I have to say. For months, this has kept me bottled up, feeling secretive and ashamed, unwilling to let anyone see the deepest parts of my heart.

This must stop.

That doesn’t mean I’m ready to publish a tell-all (I’m working to find the balance between transparency and confidentiality) but it does mean I’m going, to the best of my ability, to stop giving the opinions of others so much power over me. It means I’m going to start writing the stuff that is tugging on the sleeves of my heart. It means I’m going to rock the person I’ve fought to become, even if that means being misunderstood, or criticized, or losing the relationships I cherish most.

Because I have another confession:

I am prideful.

I’m prideful enough to believe I have something to offer. I’m prideful enough to believe that something I say might resonate with someone, somewhere, and I’m prideful enough to believe I can make a difference.

A friend asked me yesterday: “When are you going to happen to the world?”

That work starts today.

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