I Am Here

(Originally written July, 2018)

Jon keeps asking if I’m gay.

How do I answer that? How do I explain what has happened to me? Who do I talk to? Who can relate to what I’m going through? Who can provide me with the map of this experience and point me to the words which mark the spot you are here?
I don’t have my aunt’s story, of always having known. Or my mom’s story, of always having suspicions. I’ve been attracted to boys since my earliest memories, though now I can’t help but wonder: Was I attracted to them, or did I simply want them to make me feel attractive?

I do know I’ve never enjoyed sex.
That’s not true.
I’ve enjoyed the mechanics of it. The experience of orgasm. But sex has always felt shameful to me.
I thought this would change when I got married. I thought, under the sanctity of the preacher’s blessing and the approval of the church, sex would suddenly feel right
And good
And holy.
But it never did.
From my first awkward attempts at masturbation, through 17 years of marriage and a few partners in-between, sex has been a source of shame.

Then I met her.

And for the first time, I met my own body. Under the blessing of her hands, it suddenly felt right.
And good
And holy.

Am I gay?

I can’t answer that.
All I know for sure is…
Everything has changed.


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