Letter from my future self

Years ago, when I was very young, someone close to me read my journal out loud and mocked me with my own words. She used what I had written as a weapon and made me feel crazy for the thoughts I had–treasured thoughts that made up the core part of who I was at the time. That day, I lost my voice. I stopped writing for anything other than school and did not journal again for thirteen years, until I started this blog. This is where I began, little by little, to find my voice–and myself–again.

Today, someone else close to me did something similar, mocking me with my own words, calling me crazy for them, and sharing them with those I did not ask them to be shared with. Typically, my response to this type of thing is to share the story publicly, as this is the most affective tool I have against the feeling of shame, but since this is not just my story, I will not share what has happened. However, I will share my own words–the words labeled as crazy–in an attempt to own my story and take my words back from those who would seek to call them foolish and brand me contemptable. I share and stand by them publicly, proudly, and unapologetically.

I wrote this to myself, several years ago, from the perspective of my future self advising my current self. At the time, I felt powerfully that somehow I really had connected with my future self and she really was advising my current self. Is that crazy? Most definitely. But it also gave me insight into who I am and what I want and how I wish to navigate the world.

Because I am willing to be a little crazy. I am willing to believe in a something a little far-fetched. I am willing to ask God to work a little magic on my behalf. The miraculous is, after all, what God is all about….

In my years of dating, I met women who hated my introversion and the fact that my favorite spot in the house is in my bed behind a book.

I met women who couldn’t come out of the closet and others who hated the fact that I share intensely personal information on my blog.

I met women who hated the fact that I connect quickly and deeply with perfect strangers and often make lasting friendships with people I first meet online.

I met women who hated the fact that my best friend is also my ex-fiance from 20 years ago and that I have remained close friends with all my ex-girlfriends.

I met women who couldn’t handle the fact that I had eight children, remained close to my ex-husband, and had no career goal except to raise my kids and work on the book I hoped to publish.

And then someone came along who not only supported but celebrated these things in me.

I met a woman who loved nothing more than to spend the day in bed with me, reading and cuddling and reciting poetry.

I met a woman who had her own intensely personal stories to share and was proud and happy when I shared my own.

I met a woman who admired my ability to quickly connect and considered me gifted at friendships.

I met a woman who loved my best friend and loved my ex-girlfriends and encouraged me to spend time with them.

I met a woman who loved my kids, instantly, and was impressed by the incredible relationship I had built with my ex-husband and the ways we helped one another.

I met a woman who valued all I did to enhance my family’s life in ways that were just as meaningful as money in the bank.

I met a woman who helped me edit my book, find an agent, set up a website, create a social media platform, and helped me to make that book the success it became.

So my message to you is: Don’t settle. The person who is right for you will admire each and every one of your strengths and support you through your weaknesses. That person will want you to be exactly who you are and will not only support, but CELEBRATE all the quirky, complicated, peculiar, extraordinary beauty that’s inside of you.

Wait for that person.

They’re worth it.

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